And the Sarah Palin saga just keeps getting better. This week, footage has been leaked of her brief stint as a sports reporter for a local Alaskan news station. Next week a fake sex tape will probably be released, followed by several drunken college party photos where she's flashing one boob and giving the peace sign. The best moment will be in two weeks when the photos of her breast feeding an Alaskan Moose at a charity benefit in the early 90's are leaked to TMZ.
Unibrow Friend Drive Update: The Unibrow Friend Drive was rather slow yesterday and I'm willing to blame it on the amount of Monday NFL Sunday hangovers. The true warriors who still managed to join were Captain Kick Ass who made the greatest photo gallery I've ever seen and Wolf Laughing who won't stop laughing at everything. Now, if you want to enjoy your next NFL Sunday in with and HDTV and PS3 while lounging in your giant gaming bean bag chair thinking about how you're going to spend your $500 Target gift card, then you need to click on the giant boobs banner on your right and you're instantly entered win these great prizes all for being my friend on Uber.com. The best part is that by doing this, you're also becoming a member of Uber which is already the next generation Facebook. Stop sending friend requests for the 2,354th time and have fun making your own web page on Uber.
All athletes are superstitious by nature, and what better rabbit's foot could any of them ask for then a hot female celebrity in the stands. It gives them that extra confidence boost to know that they're good enough that a hot female celebrity is willing to take time out of her busy schedule of being hot to root their team onto victory. It's like the time Jessica Biel sat next to me and watched me put together an All Balls top ten. I was unstoppable that day.
Drafting a fantasy football team is like putting together a really good sandwich at Subway. The meats represent your running backs ... they're the essence of your team. The quarterback is the bread in that it holds everything together. The extra toppings are like your wide receivers. It's good to mix them up every now and then and they always add that extra flavor to your team. The kicker is the mayonnaise and the defense/special teams is the mustard. That's because all kickers are white and the defense/special teams provide that extra unexpected "kick" to your scoring. See, I could teach this stuff better than Chris Cooley.
People should be required to get "singing in public" licenses, just like a driver's license. You got down to the DSP (Department of Singing People) and three certified state employees listen to you sing for twenty seconds. If puke starts pouring out their noses or they start tearing their pubes out with their bare hands, you don't get you singing license. It's as simple as that ... Greg Oden.
This, my friends, is what's I commonly refer to as the "sidewinder." That's when a nice young lady is sitting next to you in public and discreetly places her hand up your shorts and starts tugging on your fun time flute. The people next to you don't seem to notice and she continues to tug on your meat street until this feeling of euphoria comes over you and you discharge some pixie dust. She the proceeds to wipe the pixie dust remnants off of her hand on the ground and the two of you look at each other, smile and go about your day like nothing happened. Later that night, you service her meat wallet and the two of you fall asleep like babies.
It's surprising that humans haven't made more of an attempt to make squirrels domesticated pets. They're probably more friendly then cats, they have those cute little furry tails and you can always make jokes to your friends about their nuts. Just ask the friendly folks over at www.squirrelfuckers.com. They seem to really enjoy the company of squirrels.
